I've been really debating about writing about this but here it goes. I'm just going to lay it out. I do suffer from depression and have for many years. I remember making my first suicide attempt at 13 years old. My weight had a lot do with it. Weighing in at 290lbs when your 13 definitely made me a target for bullying. 30+ years later and I can still name almost every kid that tormented me in school. One particular guy was so harsh that I ended up seeking legal action and he was charged with harassment which lead to a restraining order.
Over the years it's been a battle. I've been on and off anti depressants. I hate they way they make me feel and the side effects but it helps deal with the crazy thoughts and emotions that depression springs on you. The medications make you feel numb. No happiness, no sadness, no nothing, no caring. They gave me the sweats. Going onto them you have to slowly introduce them because of the side effects. I remember one I was put on made me so ill I ended up in emergency because I couldn't stop vomiting (7 times in 3 hours) and even after a gravol shot I continued to vomit. I remember driving down the freeway with a bag in my lap vomiting because I had no control over it. The last 4/5 years have been relatively well. Exercise has been a great outlet for my stress/anxiety and depression. The last time I was on medication was probably about 7 years ago. On my way home from work I would have visions of just driving my car into a tree as fast as I could. I had the exact location picked out and the only thing that brought me back from that ugly place was thinking about my children. After months of feeling this way I realized I couldn't cope with it on my own and was prescribed Cymbalta. Not only are the side effects horrible while on the medication, they are even worse while coming off. Some describe it as brains zaps...that's really the best way. Tingling through your body, shakes. I thought I had depression beat. I thought it was cured. These last couple months have really taught me a lot though. It doesn't just go away. There is no "cure". You can have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks, good months and bad months, good years and bad years. Despite not having depression symptoms for the last 4-5 years it has come back with a vengeance. Right now I'm chalking it up to a whole whack of things. My life has been a bit of a whirlwind these last couple years. I went through a major life altering event having weightloss surgery, an 11 year marriage ended, I sold my house that was my home for 8 years and moved into a townhouse uprooting my children onto the other side of town, I had to re-home my beloved Danes who I miss so terribly much that it brings tears to my eyes right now thinking about them, I'm pregnant...after suffering from infertility after having my daughter, not being able to exercise and train like I use to because of the pregnancy. For the most part I put on a happy face, I don't let people in and I make it look like everything is just peachy in my world when in fact most nights I cry myself to sleep and thoughts of self hate run through my mind. I feel like I've let so many people down in my life with my choices. I feel so much pressure being a mom, a provider and all the responsibilities from it. Financial pressure to raise a family, emotional pressure to hold it together and be strong for my kids. Self hate because I don't feel good enough. I feel like a failure, I feel like I constantly let people down. The pressure I put on myself to please other people. I feel like I'm shrinking back inside myself and the social butterfly had become is dissapearing. For my friends that are reading this I want you to know it has nothing to do with you. I have broken plans, made up excuses not to go out, don't respond to text/phone calls/messages for days on end. Not because I don't like you, it's a hard feeling to describe but when your suffering from depression it feels like added pressure to answer that text. It may seem like a simple task to most to type a couple of sentences but it's so much more to someone suffering from an illness. For awhile my mind was going to some pretty dark places but I find now that I have more good days then bad. I want to fight this disease without medication for so many reasons. It's hard to share this side of me with the world. It's embarassing and I'm not looking for sympathy. But I wanted to share this incase I don't seem like myself, or if you were that person I broke plans with or didn't respond to you know why. I hate feeling this way,it's not me. I miss being the happy go lucky, bubbly social butterfly. I'm working hard every day to not let depression take over and I am determined to become that person again.
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I took this photo in Mexico. I couldn't believe it. In a way I think I almost look a little like a body builder. 2 years ago I would never have thought I could rock a bikini (even with wls) let alone have defined muscles. I look at this picture and am in AWE of what I see. It's hard to believe that this is me. I have been weighing in at a stable 170lbs with a height of 5'9 I border on obesity which is crazy to think. I'm a size small/medium. This is why I hate the BMI charts. Someone that is a size small and looks like this is border line obese. I don't weigh myself as often any more...just for a simple check in here and there to make sure I'm staying on track. As I approach my 2 year mark from surgery I still have no regrets. The loose skin and loss of my breasts have been worth every pound.
In September my family along with my brother took a trip to Disneyland in California. It was so much fun to sight see a little and experience my first live professional baseball game. California is home to The Angels. I had been to Disneyland previously and with my weight it was hard to fit on the rides, I didn't go on them all because I was scared I wouldn't fit. After a day at the park it came to the point that we had to take the shuttle bus back to the hotel because I couldn't physically walk any more. What a change this time around. I went on ALL the rides, even the ones I feared because I wanted to experience everything. My weight held me back before and I wasn't going to let my fear hold me back this time. Rob, myself, minnie, Alessandra and Khieran My perfect little family This was at Goofy's Kitchen located inside the Disneyland Hotel. It was a buffet meal with some of the disney characters. Mac and cheese pizza, peanut butter and jam pizza, oatmeal, cereals, yogurt, fruit, salads, omelets made on the spot, chicken teriyaki, eggs benny, ice cream buffet...the list goes on and on what they offer here. Outside The Hollywood Tower of Terror ride. This ride will be refurbished. There has been a lot of controversy about that. My brother Richard and myself outside the Haunted Mansion This was a day trip we took to Huntington Beach. The water and beach was beautiful. Comparable to Mexico. We saw fisherman, surfers, vendors. I also had a non scale victory. I rocked a bikini on the beach and at the pool at our hotel.
Well today is officially my last day at my full time office. 4 days ago was my last day at my part time office. I am met with many different emotions. Excitement, happiness, scared, anxiety, nausea. I hate the unknown and not having control over what the future holds. I took this position because it was permanent part time. It fell into lap with an old co-worker of mine.
This is going to be a challenge and learning curve but I know I can do it...at least that's what I keep telling myself thru the insane stress that I am feeling. I'll be learning some new procedures like gold foil, getting confident at procedures I don't know much about like ortho and implants. Today is hard as I say good bye to patients and staff that I consider friends. I am feeling loved and blessed. Hugs from the patients with well wishes. Makes me feel good that I could make an impact on their life in a short period of time just by treating their teeth. I walk away with new friends and a feeling of confidence. My life has been utter chaos lately on a personal level. I have had to put that on the back burner for now and just focus on my career and new office. Once I get into the new routine I can deal more with home and personal problems. The insane amount of stress I have been under is starting to take a toll on me. With my new office the days will be longer but fewer. I am looking to extra time with my kids and more time to focus on myself and my fitness goals. With much love from everyone I am going to welcome this new job openly. Jump in with both feet. I am excited to see what the future holds!! |
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